Hello to everyone that reads this and thank you so much for taking the interest in what’s going on in this incredible journey of mine to Africa. This has always been a dream of mine since I was a very young girl and now it’s actually reality. I thought I would just share a bit of my past with all of you so you can understand me more and see where I’m coming from in the next blog entries to come. I was born March.15th 1988 in the Mission hospital of British Columbia with my twin, Nicole (who came out kicking and screaming, still to this day a stubborn headed woman… but I love her for it. My other half. She can be half way across the world from me and still feel when I’m going through a tough time, it’s amazing. I have so many memories though-out elementary and middle school of her always defending me and looking out for me. I am so grateful for her and unbelievably proud of her. She is such an amazing woman with a huge heart… Every child that enters into our family she knows how to bond with them and create such an incredible relationship with them where they actually listen to her; she makes them aware of their consequences and they respect her for it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t create relationships like she does… I’m still learning. I love her more than I can explain.) My mother, Sandi and father Ellery were so excited; 3 girls total now, including my older sister, Charis (my big sister, always looking out for us… always being the creative one that would make up stories and games that would keep us laughing and asking for more always. We use to just look at her with these big eyes as she’d tell us a crazy story every single day. She kept our childhood so interesting. I am so proud of her I can’t even explain in words… so grateful for her. She is by far the best writer I have ever gotten the chance to know. Her imagination is through the roof, and she can paint such a vivid picture for anyone to see just with her words… so gifted!).
My mother says right when we were born she prayed and asked God to do great things with our lives. We were brought into a Christian family… Mother’s parents were missionaries in Japan for over 20 years. They had dedicated their lives to help others (welcomed anyone that needed guidance or love into their homes with open arms, bathed and clothed them with the little bit of money they had. I looked up to them so much, still to this day, it didn’t matter who they were or what they’ve done, they loved them and helped them. They seemed to be friends with whoever we walked by. My grandfather’s prayers I can hear so clearly in my head, so beautiful. I play them in my mind through-out these years and it gives me strength. I can say right now that I have never met such selfless people in my entire life. I have never met such an incredible man as my grandfather); he was also a Pastor at the Cedar Valley Mennonite church in Mission. They adopted my mother in Japan from an orphanage about 46 years ago (when she was two years old). I thank God every single day they made that decision, because when I take the time to look at my life in a whole, they are my foundation. They, including my mother and a few others sacrificed so much for us it just blows my mind.
My father was out of the picture for quite a few years (he struggled with a few things in life, but none the less I love him more than I could ever explain. I have few memories when he was around when I was a child, but they were such great ones. I was just a few years old and remember waiting and getting so excited knowing Dad was coming home from work soon…. Just sitting staring out of the window then turned around and saw him. He’d give us such big hugs and a pack of those love heart candies that say words on them, I never wanted to stop hugging him… God, I cherish every single second I get with my dad. I am definitely a daddy’s girl. He is an electrician, and the smartest man I’ve ever met. He is just so gifted! Through-out the years that he was out of the picture I never gave up. I dreamed of him coming back home for years. I remember the dreams feeling so real. Then after years of not seeing him I just needed to talk to him. I know my sisters were bitter about it and just wanted to not engage at that time… but I did. I got his number from my mom when I was around 12 years old and called him. I remember being so nervous not knowing what to expect, but I had to express to him how much I missed and loved him. I didn’t care that he was gone for years, there was still so much of my life I wanted him to be a part of. I wanted my dad to give me away on my wedding day. I wanted him to have a relationship with his grandkids one day… I dreamed of so much; and I wasn’t going to let that time pass by and have him miss out of it. I am so thankful I reached out, because since then he has been a very big part of my life. The relationships were rebuilt with him and everyone else in my family… I couldn’t have been happier. I see my dad every few weeks and talk to him often, every time we hang out we’re laughing so hard and I’m learning something new. I love him and my half-brother Josh (19 years old) more than words can explain.) so his sister, Kelowa, who was not only my aunt but my mother’s best friend realized that my mother had such a heavy load and couldn’t raise three girls on her own easily. She decided to move in with us and help raise us. My mother paid more of her focus on Nicole when we were babies because she was very colicky and my aunt looked after my needs more. She changed my diapers and babied me as her own. I look back now, and realize that decision to move in and dedicate your energy on your nieces was huge… a huge sacrifice; and once again I thank God every single day for that choice. I thank him for all the ones that have influenced my life. When I was about 5 years old my dad and mother had another baby girl, Savanna… and shortly after he was back out of the picture. My baby sister, God, I remember it like it was last year… I was only five and felt like I knew everything… thought I knew how to change a baby’s diaper, how to feed a baby and run a house hold… I think about it now and laugh. I was so proud that day when Savanna came home from the hospital… so beautiful; someone that I would get to share what I know with and help guide through life. I remember that very day, looking at her and trying to imagine what life would be like when we were both adults… it definitely looked different than it does today; she’s turning 19 in august, and my 24th birthday is in a matter of weeks. I still couldn’t be more proud of her. Never have a met such a wise 18 year old, such a good person that is always helping others and looking out for her family. She’s beautiful inside and out. I wasn’t as ahead as her when I was 18 that’s for sure, I thank God she’s learned from her three older sisters mistakes.
A few short months later, my mother decided to open her arms into foster care. My aunt, being a huge part of social services as well was very open to being active with child care. I remember the day Georgette, just a few years old, and Holly a few months old came into our family. We were all so excited to have more sisters, and opened are arms to them. I remember seeing them struggle to adjust into our family… I realized that they had experienced some sort of trauma at that young age in their prior home and it killed me. We use to do whatever we could to make them laugh. I remember every couple days we use to go down in the basement, blare some music like Shania twain, Whitney Houston and some traditional aboriginal music and all of us would just dance… be free spirits, be goofy and crazy and just dance out all of the emotion we were feeling. I remember seeing my mom, she would dance so freely and just laugh away… I use to look at her and wish to be as beautiful as she was one day- so full of life and love for others (she has always dreamed of opening an orphanage one day in the deep south, has sacrificed everything for others. It didn’t matter if we already had 20 people under our house hold, if a child needed a roof to sleep under she’d welcome them like they were her own. And we would welcome them all excited to have another member of the family. To this day, she is still sleeping 3 hours a night if even, raising babies and still laughing and smiling contagiously. She has people all over the map, even grown adults that call her mom, it amazes me; I tell her often how she literally has a heart the size of Texas with arms that wrap around the world to anyone that wants love. I look at her, and pray to God that I can be even a little bit like her one day. I am so blessed she is my mother, she’d stay up all night when I was sick as a child, which was often, just stroking my hair and singing to me till I fell asleep curled up beside her. Words can’t express how lucky I feel to have her)… and my aunt, her laugh was so contagious, always laughing at her own jokes… always making us laugh… and her voice… the most beautiful and powerful singing voice I have ever heard in my life. I use to just watch her in awe as she’d sing beautiful lyrics then touch all of curious little faces and smile at us. I would beg to hear her sing one more time… always saying, “Kowie, (which was her nick name) tell us a story… of you and mom when you were friends in Bible school, or sing to us. Please.” Every word she said, and to this day, we paid very close attention to. Kelowa would often take us to work with her, where there would be powwows and huge feasts. I quickly realized it wasn’t just our family that listened so intently to the words she said, but it was everyone I ever met that knew of her. She was such a respected woman that helped create Sto:lo Nation and made deep rooted relationships with elders and people all over the map. A powerful woman with a voice that was heard thru-out the nation. A woman, now that I say is not only my aunt, but my second mom and one of my closest friends.) (Growing up, we were always challenged by her and my mother… and we had to suffer some serious consequences for our actions, but I’m grateful we did. We learned important valuable life lessons at such a young age. We were given chores since I can remember and were taught how to cook, clean, change diapers, nurture a baby and even build a house pretty much since I could start walking it feels like; and we were taught since day one that a woman can do anything a man can do, if not better. I am seriously grateful to have been raised by such a loving, selfless and powerful family- they are my rock!)
Every day we’d pray as a family and list off everything we were grateful for. My mother and aunt had close to 30 more children that came in and out of our house through-out the years but Georgette and Holly were with us for around 11 years until they were told that their mother was well enough for them to go back to her home. I remember crying so much… they didn’t want to go back home to their mom’s… we were their family. We fought for their rights… but our voices were ignored… and because of that decision I believe they experienced more hardships that they still carry with them. That decision forever haunts my family. Since then, we have fought for children’s rights even harder. Five years ago my mother took in a boy that was only a few days old named, David. Shortly after, a girl named Lillie who was about 7. Then shortly after that Damon, a few days old, Kiara, about 12 years old and Jaeden, 8 years old. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with the ministry, many court cases, and fighting to keep them in our house hold even when their own families wanted them to stay in our family. The ministry for once didn’t follow “the book” and our voices were heard. They are our my family, and won’t get taken away… it gives us all such peace. The ministry is given way too much power for their own good, to swoop in and take children in and out of homes. At a young age I realized the effects of reactive detachment disorder… and we fought so hard to never see the same mistake happen that Georgette and Holly faced. Now, there is about 14 people living under my mom’s roof (including my beautiful nephew and niece Odin and Kiyo, 3 and 4 years old, I have never loved as much as I love these two kids. Being an aunty is the greatest experience I’ve ever felt yet). It’s so chaotic, babies everywhere… but I wouldn’t have it any other way. People that are only seeing it from the outside call it a mad house… but all I see is love. The strongest family I have ever witnessed. Every hello and every goodbye we are making sure we always say I love you to each other. I am so blessed!
My grandparents, mom and aunt scrounged up all their savings to put us in a school they believed would help create a strong foundation for us. We were in Valley Christian School from preschool till grade 5. Grade 6 and 7 went to some where a bit more affordable, High Road Academy… where we then got kicked out of because they believed my aunt and mom were in a relationship and they believed we were “provocative”… so close minded and judgmental. We then went back to Valley Christian that was now called MEI till grade 9. Grade 10 went to Sardis Secondary, then grade 11 and 12 went to Chilliwack Senior Secondary… I made many friends along the way that are still to this day a part of my life… I found grade. 11 to start off rough… many people made fun of my sisters and I… called us snobs because we were shy and rumours spread like wild fire… until they got to know us. I had worked hard since I was 12, baby sitting as often as I could and by 15 I started working a real job… straight up until this day. I knew I needed to become independent financially at a young age. We would go days as a child without electricity s. 2006 was my graduating year.
Shortly after that, I caught a serious skin infection that no doctor around had answers to. It had changed my life forever… I remember it had taken over my chest, neck, ears and entire face. I looked in human and people ran from me when I went to see a doctor. I was so scared… the fact that no one knew what it was and that it was spreading fast killed me inside. I didn’t sleep for 9 days straight because I thought I wouldn’t wake up. I remember recording me 9 days in, all drugged up with pain killers, saying… “God, I’m so scared… I’m not ready to die. Please give me the strength to fight this… leave the scars, I don’t care, but please just take it away- I know I have so much more things in store God, please don’t let this be the end of my life…” It lasted for 5 weeks and I healed. I fought whatever it was off without any scarring. A miracle without a doubt… and I came out a stronger person- a more compassionate person. I look at people with kinder eyes… and I thank God I experienced that hard ship, for it helped create who I am today.
Hmmm… I’m missing out a crucial part of my life, what helped make me stronger as well… I believe it is so important to share. When I was 15, I met a boy… a very angry boy that had experienced serious trauma in his life- but past that anger I saw a light. We started our 5 year relationship then. It was a roller coaster ride instantly up and down; I was young and naïve and didn’t know any better. It became abusive on all levels. It was abusive on both sides; I’m not just the victim here. There were some serious addictions… My family had become so worried of my life… and I was so ashamed of continually staying so I pushed them and my friends away. I became so caught up in an unhealthy cycle… I never imagined being that girl that lied about bruises… I never imagined being that person to hit back… why did I keep staying? I think it was because I believed in him. I believed in the power of change. I had hope. I saw a light in him that I tried to rekindle but in the process my light was getting smothered without noticing. I had become so jaded and dark… bitter towards anyone that was happy. There was even a point where I thought, “What’s the point of life!” Even after charges were made against him, I still went back… till one day… I don’t know what it was... I wish I could write out a remedy for those millions of women that are going through the exact same thing… but I can’t… It could be because my mom and aunt repeatedly cried saying,
“Shaina, please get out. I can’t sleep at night. I have night mares that when I wake up I’m going to find you dead… or you’re going to end up in Jail for killing him. I just want my baby girl back!!”
I believe it’s a combination of that and just the fact that I just woke up! Had no more hope in chances. God gave me a huge reality shake. It was like a smack in the face…
“What are you doing Shaina, you have pushed away all your family and friends. You cry yourself to sleep like clock-work. You are always sick because you’re always stressed. WAKE UP!!! Before it’s too late!”
So I did. I realized that I am stronger then I believe. I looked at my life and noticed I had put so much on hold. I felt like I had lived 90 years but was only 20 years old. I opened the door back up to my friends and family and asked for forgiveness… I rekindled those relationships finally realizing that they are the ones that will be there for me for the rest of my lives- the ones that truly love me. This is when I decided to take control of my life. I don’t regret what I went through; I realized that if someone lives with regret they always carry that negativity with them. Instead, I am happy I went through it. Happy I came out on top… it is what helped make me who I am today- stronger & wiser. I wanted to make life beautiful no matter what has happened in it… I started telling myself, who’s to say what beauty is… as long as it ends well and there is a fight for happiness- it is a beautiful life. I know I was jaded, but my light started to get brighter, and I realized that… it excited me! It became my passion to strive for happiness. I started writing out a list of things I wanted to do in life, things I feared and wanted to conquer… after the movie, I retitled it, “The Bucket List”. Before I go off about that which is a way lighter topic, I wanted to take this time to speak out to all the people that are in an abusive relationship of any sort… male or female… I want to say that you are so much stronger then you believe… and that there is at least someone that believes in you. I believe in you. I believe that we all deserve divine happiness; not happiness that only lasts for a few days then you end right back up hurt. I mean true happiness! And it is out there, don’t ever doubt that! You have the power to leave and trust me when I say, it’ll be hard at first, but it will be one of the greatest decisions you ever made in your life. You are strong enough. Life is too short to give your time to someone that takes advantage of it… to give them the power of control over your emotions. YOU ARE INCONTROL. You are completely and entirely in control of your outlook on life. If you want to be happy, be. Take a second and think of all the people that have passed in your life; reality check- life is short! Don’t spend it hurting any more. You are not alone in this. If there is any way I can help then email me, (snsedel@gmail.com) I can’t get you out of that position, that’s your job, but I can help guide you out- and I will do anything I can to help. I can’t explain in words how beautiful everything got for me once I got out… It was like seeing the whole world with different eyes. I thank God every single day for those who never gave up on me, and for getting out!
A while back I had asked my aunt what her definition of the purpose of life was. Life had become my obsession… She replied to me, “Honey, the definition of life to me, is to try and leave the world a better place than it was before you got here.” I loved that response. It has stuck to me since. I started working on my bucket list… everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing, wish of doing in my life time, and every fear I wish to conquer. Here’s just a few of the things (so far there is about 85); I started dreaming…
1) Experience Africa culture, visit Amsterdam, Brazil, Japan, and Greece… and “pay it forward” in every community I step into. Help those that are struggling and born into something less fortunate.
2) Make a magnificent feast for the homeless
3) Contribute to building a shelter
4) Sponsor at least one child from a 3rd world country
5) Adopt at least one child from a 3rd world country
6) Jump out of a plane
7) Bungee jump
8) Paraglide
9) Come face to face with a shark and a bear
10) Hike a great mountain
11) Pay it forward – give something that means the absolute world to me, to someone that actually needs it.
12) Get “a beautiful life” in Japanese tattooed on my back, and “when you saw only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you” tattooed on me… to remind me every single day that God is with me
…..It has become my obsession to cross this list off as fast as I can. Too many people around me have passed… and I don’t want to waste another second. Crossing it off made me feel like I was living with a purpose… every time I crossed one thing off this feeling of accomplishment and empowerment overcame me. I was in control and had found true happiness within myself. I look at my life as a story, the many chapters… and it makes me smile. I don’t fear anything anymore which is crazy to think… I trust that God has something great in store for me and I know that fear is a wasteful emotion, something that holds you back from truly living… I can stand here and say in all honesty, I feel peace… complete.
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